Dear Open Letter Writer,

This is the first time I have ever written an open letter to anyone, so please forgive my potential incorrectness of the format you so cleverly follow to get to your eventual point.

I’m not mad, I’m just really, really disappointed. Disappointed in your lack of ability to understand that an open letter is, in fact, criminal. When I was 8-years old I opened a letter addressed to my neighbour. It had hearts and lipstick marks on it, and smelled like the wrinkly lady outside the Baron who always asks if I’d like to have a good time. I always answer “Yes, thanks, that’s why I’m walking into the Baron” but she never confirms nor denies whether my decision is going to ultimately end up with me having a good time. For the most part, I do, which is super.

Anyway, my neighbour found the open letter in my bedroom when he was hiding from the police. He sobered up, put a balaclava over his head and went to report me to the fuzz for tampering with his mail. They thought he was robbing the station and shot him three times in the leg. It was pretty hilarious. I luckily hid the naked photos of his girlfriend – that were in the envelope – under my mattress, which regularly remind me of that special time in my life.

I have to stress that this is by no means personal, or an attack on your upbringing, life stage, socio-economic standing, the car you drive, your mother’s maiden name, your preference of McMeal or anything related to you whatsoever. I just don’t like you and every stupid thing you stand for. Without prejudice, of course.

I have to say, your extreme knowledge of other people’s affairs are astounding. Why, just recently one of you penned an open letter to a radio show host, assisting her on how to host a radio show. Now, what would have made more sense was to use that gusto and time to set up a little business for yourself and, using your years of expertise and knowledge, sell training to radio show hosts. That way the host in question would be better at her job, and you’d have a fuller bank account. Once you completely crack that market, and all radio show hosts in the country have been schooled – as they should be, I mean, hellooooo – you should definitely move onto TV sports presenting. I’m no Kobus Wiese, but I think with your strategic focus and capabilities you could totally get all those old rugby players with earpieces and microphones waxing lyrical with international teams like they were born in Argentina. Win-win I’d say!

One particular treat for me is your obvious flair for the metaphorical. Telling the leader of a country that they have been naked for a long time was pure genius. It took me a while to put two-and-two together (again, you’re really, really smart) but when I realised that you were both talking about his dealings with corrupt individuals being exposed, while obviously playing on the fact that he showered the HIV off himself – and had everyone picturing him with his wang dangling – was, in my opinion, Shakespearean. In primary school we had to do an Afrikaans oral. I tried my very best to get this tactic right, but was sent to the principal’s office for titling my oral Skiet Jou Poes – a story of one boy, a camera, and a flamboyant pet cat with a flair for the dramatic.

Before Al Gore invented the internet, we would send letters. Those things that were literally penned, not typed, to organisations or individuals that we thought needed a little pick-me-up.

The ability to write a letter for the world to see, so that you can try get some sort of exposure on the internet, is very sad. Maybe you need more friends? My first girlfriend in high school, Tracy, was great at making friends. She would always take her top off at parties and show everyone her nipple-tassels. Sometimes she’d forget the tassels and tell them to pretend. She mostly made friends with boys and would have private friend-meetings to really get to know them better. She was so great.

In summary, I hope the next time you think of writing an open letter, maybe, just maybe, it’s because you need a friend. If you’d like, you can get in touch with Tracy. She’s in most of the newspaper classifieds.

Sincerely,

The Undersigned.

Me.

Don Packett Esq.